Do You Have Someone You Need to Forgive?

Photo by Shutterstock

Photo by Shutterstock

I write a newsletter for my clients, and today’s message seemed pertinent to share here. I don’t know if you have someone in your life whom you need to forgive…or perhaps the person you need to forgive is yourself. What I do know is that forgiveness is a topic that many of us talk about but just as many of us fail to practice for a variety of reasons. It sometimes just feels too hard to forgive someone who had breached your trust or betrayed you in some way.

Someone wisely said, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” And when you think about, that is the absolute truth. You may be filled with anger, resentment, and even hatred, while the other person is merrily going about their business with no idea that you are so angry and upset with them.

In my thinking about the need to practice forgiveness, I ran across this article about the health benefits of practicing forgiveness. It has been written by the Mayo Clinic Staff, and since there is little that I could add to what they have offered, I decided to share the article. I hope you will find it of use to you. If you aren’t having trouble with forgiveness in your own life, chances are you know someone who is struggling because of some unresolved hurt or issue. Feel free to share this with anyone who you believe might benefit. It is a good reminder that letting go of grudges and bitterness is not about letting another person who has hurt you off the hook…it is about letting YOU off the hook once and for all.

Enjoy.

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance — but if you don’t practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

  • Healthier relationships
  • Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
  • Less anxiety, stress and hostility
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Fewer symptoms of depression
  • Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

When you’re hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you’re unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:

  • Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
  • Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
  • When you’re ready, actively choose to forgive the person who’s offended you
  • Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

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Send the Consultants Home and Let the Teachers Teach

You Are FiredPlease find an article that was posted today in Education Week that caught my eye and made me realize that it has been far too long since I last offered something here. The article is entitled, “Cast Out Consultants:  Give Teachers More Input.” I have rephrased the sentiment, but it remains the same. “Send the Consultants Home and Let the Teachers Teach.”

For too long, now, consultants have been given full rein over classroom teachers, and the teachers have been in the terrible predicament of not wanting to be found insubordinate and therefore without a job while doing things that they know from everything they ever learned about teaching that what the consultants are telling them to do is ludicrous.

This is not a new phenomenon, unfortunately. The author of the article that I am sharing says he has been teaching for seven years. I was in public education for 37 years, and while it simply got worse, the last people who were ever consulted about what should be done to improve education in our country have been the teachers.

The criticism, of course, is that teachers are members of the union and the union doesn’t care about kids. WRONG. The union cares about that which the members care. That would include learning environments since students’ learning environments are also teachers’ environments. Teachers also care about making a professional salary commensurate with the level of their education and the level of responsibility that they have on the job. That isn’t a union thing. That is just, well…a thing that all professionals have in common. For some reason junior executives are eligible to make six figure salaries project managing the production of widgets, but teachers with a similar educational background and responsible for the teaching and learning of whole generations of young people get what’s left over AFTER the administrators have negotiated their salaries, and the consultants have taken their part of the budget, and the testing companies get their piece of the action. Given the shrinking pie, it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that if the public actually trusted the teachers to TEACH and paid a salary that would attract the best and the brightest (as opposed to making it something that is only attractive to Teach for America “missionaries” looking to pad their resumes for law school or administrative positions) candidates to the teaching force, we could actually have teachers being paid what they are worth and we could have buildings that are safe and secure as well as nurturing and welcoming.

I also get that the author of this piece isn’t interested in hearing from anyone like me who has been out of the classroom for six years already. He wants to hear from colleagues who are facing the same day-to-day challenges he has to face. He doesn’t want to hear how it “should” work. He wants to hear about what WORKS.

Our entire educational system has been hijacked by people who may have had good intentions in the beginning, and these days, I even question their intentions. The testing companies have nothing to gain from having teachers take over teaching and testing, now do they? That’s why they send lobbyists to convince the policy makers who know nothing other than what they read in the papers about our “failing schools” and they convince said policy makers that the solution to the “crisis” facing America today is that we need more testing.

A good teacher will tell you that is hogwash, however. What we need are good teachers who are incentivized to stay in the classroom and who are receiving the support they need with an increasingly needy population of children.

I am hearing horror stories of kindergarteners, first graders, and second graders who are biting, kicking, and hitting their teachers, causing real bodily harm and creating untenable learning environments. This is increasingly an issue with which consultants can’t help. Parents need to help. Parents need to learn that they need to parent. They aren’t their children’s best friend. They aren’t their buddy. They are their parent! They need to teach respect for authority…not blind respect but respect for their teacher so that their teacher can TEACH.

Teachers need more support. They need increased financial remuneration. It is time to take the limited resources that school divisions have been given and reallocate them. Send the consultants home. Re-think the crazy idea that kindergarteners need to be tested instead of nurtured through their formative years, and let’s let the teachers teach. It’s way past time.